It has been quite some time since I last posted anything on this site simply due to the craziness of my life. Not sure why, but today seemed to be the appropriate day to start anew with a fresh look at what it truly means to be a good dad from not just my perspective, but also other fathers who share the same thoughts as I do. Honestly, to me, 90% of parenting is simply winging it. You often rely on your past memories through your own upbringing, your gut intuition, and then you simply pray and hope for the best. Sometimes, you sit back and think, “yeah, I totally nailed that,” but most times I’m like, “Shit, I totally fucked that up.” As a realist, parenting can be incredibly rewarding, yet equally frustrating and that can all occur within the same hour, but what does it truly mean to be a good dad or better yet, a great dad in today’s world?
In my opinion, the foundation of being a great dad is not just providing for your family with the necessities of food, shelter, protection, and what you perceive to be manly guidance, but also teaching your kids how to navigate through childhood and adolescence by breaking through the cultural and societal barriers as to how we, as men and boys, have been told to behave and act. I have never been one to follow societal norms, partly out of stubbornness and my determination to do what I believe is right, not according to the script provided by society. I recently came across a powerful documentary titled, The Mask You Live In that I thought was quite compelling and worth sharing.
It is not surprising to know that boys are three times more likely to commit suicide than girls or engage in acts of extreme violence. As men, we have traditionally been raised in a culture of hyper-masculinity that includes power, dominance, control, and aggression, but more importantly and equally destructive, we have been taught to suppress our emotions and feelings. Well, fuck that! The current generation of fathers can play a huge role in dismantling those traditional gender expectations. In a 2014 survey, respondents stated that “Fathers are fully capable of being nurturing, they want to be nurturing, and when they nurture, not only are boys and girls and partners better off… (the Men) become better people, less depressed and much happier.” Emotional suppression has consequences, both physically and emotionally. This is not to suggest that we lose our sense of masculinity, but rather to encourage open communication that entails appropriately expressing our feelings of frustration, sadness, and anger rather than bottling those emotions up because you have been told that expressing yourself is a sign of weakness and vulnerability. On the contrary, to me, it is a sign of strength, not weakness.
While I accept that I am far from perfect, I continuously challenge myself to be the best father possible, which as you can imagine, is not an easy feat to achieve when you work non-traditional hours working full-time and part-time. Thankfully, over the years, I have worked out most of the parenting kinks through trial and error. As any single parent knows, there is no single way to effectively parent. While I would not wish this upon anyone, the divorce and ensuing custody battles did make me reevaluate many things in my life as far as what is important and what is trivial. I still harbor quite a bit of anger towards my ex-wife. I hope one day that will subside, but the entire series of events contributed to making me a better employee and better father. I had to work harder and smarter over the years to ensure that I could provide a good, comfortable living and that required that I go back to school for my doctorate degree and work several jobs to compensate for the salary that my ex-wife had made and tack it onto my own.
Over the years, I have met and become friends with a number of single dads who I admire and respect. Single parenting is undoubtedly one of the toughest jobs out there, but single fathering can be slightly more difficult because of the societal stigma attached to fathers as often being the lesser-qualified parent simply based on gender. Sadly, the antiquated family court system exacerbates this stigma by requiring fathers to jump through a number of legal hurdles to prove that they can be great parents, most of which are insulting and demeaning. I am hopeful that with more men stepping up, the term deadbeat dad will be modified to deadbeat parent so as not to cast a negative light on the men who can and will be great fathers if given the opportunity to do so.
Single Dad Winging It 